you're a mystery yourself

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

9:15 PM

i hate facebook, it'so laggy, and it's even tell me that certain parts of its websites doesnt exist!

it't not like my friends deleted their accounts or what right!

wahlao i damn pissed now la.

and and, i've not been doing anything since i came home till now.

not forgetting from aft sch till before i reached home i also didnt do anything productive too.

that's bad.

im such a slacker.

haha, i realise it's been a long time since i called myself a slacker.

heh, maybe im improving!

great job.

now all i need to do is to start doing work, cos tmr will be a busy busy day!

tuition hw, studying for physics e. field FA, blah blah. argh.

i cant wait for march too!

i swear im not going to study during the march holiday.

seriously, u study so hard for common tests, and then u get back ur results, and TADA the holidays are finally coming and u want to resume studying??!?! it's only one week for god's sake!

not like you wont be spending the time trying to finish the enormous heap hw the crazy teachers will pile on you la!

haha, somemore, my b'day week lei, gonna go clark quay. no. matter. what. ok, why do i have this strong feeling that it wont happen?

choi!

the passion.

9:43 PM

im so sad i wana cry nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

the passion.

9:29 PM

i want to kill myself.

i dont know how i will survive this whole year.

the passion.

9:37 PM

suck it up guys, suck it up.

the passion.

8:56 PM

when i packed to move house, i chance upon the 4C "b'day gift" that each of us got.

inside were words penned by my classmates. reminders of past memories and experiences.

how many times i see the words "bubbly", "lame", "cheerful", "fun" used to describe me, but it doesnt apply to me now.

even jean and chin hong[considering that im not that close to him now] says that im diff than when it was the initial part of last year.

so my friends! help me! i need soothing therapy.

sometimes i cant stand being laughed at. sure, i do get laughed at in cedar, but in cj, it feels more like mocking from certain people. gahhhhhhh i dont know. i feel so ostracised!

the passion.

10:40 PM

i drag my body from bed everyday, unwillingly, to climb 5 storeys high to my classroom. and then to climb down another 5 storeys to do some reflections dont know for what, because to those who bent their heads and prayed together, most of them dont even practise what they preached. and then i climb 5 storeys up again, to see my home tutor who has a damn great possible future in the bus driver industry. seeing him makes me wana step on his face. lectures and tutorials are absolutely boring, with the exception of ms yang's lessons. her sweets are my motivations hahahah. our maths lecturer looks damn constipated when she's waiting for answers from the audience, and her stomach plus her dressing is so off. sometimes i think she's pregnant and sometimes i dont. our physic lecturer is the bus driver, who finds so many cb videos just because he knows his presentation contents arent good enough, and who stupidly switches off all the lights when he plays them. stupidest shit ever. our econs lecturer is so full of herself that she's damn pro at econs and still is, at her age with whole head of white mee fen, that she just yaks yaks and yaks, and ZOOM, noone is able to catch up with her. oh and her ppt slides are so sacred she's not willing to upload on col@c, nor let us view it for like at least 3 mins so that we can copy them into our notes. kns. chem lecturer, who is our own teacher, is, sad to say, boring. he's weird, bet his friends all ostracised him cos he bans SHIT in his dictionary.

in class, everytime i talk, ronald chiam will always butt in with a spastic comment that makes everyone laugh but makes me look stupid. and then they will laugh AT me. others can do the stupid things that i accidentally do, but wont get laughed at as much as i do. i get belittled. i struggle so much. im fighting internally everyday. i just dont know what im fighting for. i feel so alone. now hannah's gone to be an ogl, and she's the happening one while im not. and to think i took comfort in the knowledge that we WERE in the same boat. gahhhhhhh. im trying to stop myself from proclaiming that I HATE CJ/CJ SUCKS BALLS, be it whether i say it out loud or there's a loudhaler[idk how to spell it] shouting it out in my head. im starting to embrace JEWDO, and so far i've attended 3 trainings! bloody shit, wed's training was madness, did frog jumps, i preservered on ok, just that yiling was the one to call me out to do squats. and guess what. my legs got swollen the next day. at first i tht my muscles expanded overnight, but sarah say got no such thing. but when i got home my ankles really looked swollen! just went to see the doc, says it's overstrain of the muscles. see la, who ask me not to exercise for 2 mths plus! suck balls. oh btw, IM EXCUSED FROM 8 DAYS OF PHYSICAL ACTIVITY. i bet alot of ppl are jealous luh. anw, i've been asking everyone if they're interested in watching BREAK OUT! but apparently noone's interested. either that or they have no money or dont even know what it is. it's ART. haha ok no it's not. i didnt want to mention this when i asked people about it, but it's on my 18th birthday! i feel so sad now D: i guess it's kinda an expensive way to spend my birthday tho haha. but dione and i are saving up! we have 2 long mths to save up! dione was the only one who's willing to go with me la, and she watched JUMP before too. i love you dione. anything for you friend((: at least im contented. all you losers, screw off. haha joking! you're still my friends. i just asked eunice when will she be able to pause studying for awhile to meet up with me, and she replied "after As?". wts, idk whether the stress level has got to her mind and she's just exaggerating or she really means it. if it's the latter, im gonna jue jiao with her la. ok NO i wont. tmr's the moving of house. whee. idk what to expect. heard from my mom there's alot of kachuas there. i hate kachuas! bahhhh! i dont even know which room im taking. my brothers will want to take the one with aircon luh. i've not slept without aircon in a longggg longggg time. ok im out. tmr's a longgggg day.

the passion.

11:22 PM

im fucking depressed.

the passion.

6:03 PM

i was listening to my itouch in the mrt, and it was until like, a few minutes later before i realise that the music has stopped.

wts.

i think mr chan thinks im stupid or blur or slow or whatever shit. he keeps asking "understand?" and just looks directly at me. like, he doesnt even glance across the classroom when he asks this. also, he will ask me "fiona, ok?"

wahlao, my face that stupid meh. i tried many times today to keep my face expressionless, but he still keeps asking me.

somemore, got new students like ronald and cedric, and according to him, not-so-good-in-physics students like jama, but i still get asked the most.

kns.

cedric randomly asked me what's my shoe size during class. i told him 5 or 6, and then he said what about that? *pointing to my "shoebag"*

walk your dog la wedric.

i dont know if it's just me, but mr chan looks like frankenstein to me. serious. but he's damn hilarious la. ultimate suan, ultimate gg.

i called shawn shawn while i was passing by his school after tuition. called him, but he didnt pick up. and then when he finally called back, he told me he just got on the bus! we could have gone home together!

dang.

oh, when i came out of the toilet just now, shawn shawn randomly asked me, "jie jie, are you really 18 this year?".

i IMMEDIATELY knew what he was thinking okay!

so i quickly said, "yar yar, i know i dont look like 18, act like 18, behave like 18..." blah blah, i forgot what i was blabbering about la, my defense was damn weak[no, it's not even one]. and my brother didnt need to say anything further, cos i was producing his side of the argument already.

gay shit.

me and hannah set goals for ourselves yesterday.

one was that we could only watch max one hour's worth of videos online everyday.

she got sad. hahah, and best, i introduced to her this awesome website [www.tvgorge.com] that i got from mer.

i just received a message from her telling me to watch cougar town.

so now she's hooked hooked hooked. to grey's anatomy, to cougar town, and to many others which are on that sinful website.

hannah, how are we ever going to achieve our goals.

im gonna rebel against these goals man, it's my nature.

freak.

my mom dont treat me like an eighteen-year-old you know.

i gave up registering for SATS halfway cos it was so mafun, had to create your very own profile, fill up all your personal information and whatnots. ask you about your GROUND POINT AVERAGE, my RANK, when im already so ignorant of all these. they ask you what COURSE you're interested, and then when you choose your course, you still have to choose your MAJORS! wahlao, i myself cant even imagine my future, not mentioning knowing the path or route towards achieving my goal[WHAT THE HECK IS MY GOAL?!?!?!] haha ok, i didnt give up halfway[but i was about to], it's the website sign me out, cos my time at the webpage was up. heh.

but wth, seriously, i dont think im ever going to receive OOH! a surprise email from some overseas university offering me scholarship. that's if the pigs can fly, the cow can jump over the moon, or me not being a woman and not getting menstruation for the next 30 years! so WHAT THE HECK AM I EVEN CONSIDERING PAYING TO DO SATS?!?!?

wahlao, like i damn rich like that.

i was on the mrt to tuition just now, and i saw this army guy. seeing him just made me confirm that im a sucker for guys donned in their uniform. they just look so good in it. hahahahah.

ooh and im seriously in love with the glee's guys' mashup of It's My Life and Confessions Part II!!!

i was smiling to myself while watching their performance okay. makes me happy haha ((:

"everytime i light a fire in my life, you'd find a way to burn the forest down."

the passion.